The 14 Least Romantic Valentine's Day Weekend Releases

This year, you and your loved one can spend Valentine’s Day at the movie theater, where the two of you can hold hands and kiss as you watch… RoboCop? This action remake actually isn’t the strangest film to be released on Valentine’s Day in the last few years: Valentine’s Day weekend has been host to a series of really unusual film choices that don’t at all capitalize on the holiday, but instead try to benefit either from the non-romantic, or the loners who have nobody to spend time with.

We decided to look back in time and find the fourteen most unlikely Valentine’s Day weekend releases we could think of that couples at one point considered for “date night.” Some of these have vaguely romantic shades, and some eschew romantic notions completely. And yet, a few of these films were basically perverse choices to unleash on the year’s most romantic date. Here are a few. We limited it to the last twenty five years, because that seems to be the most likely demographic for an idea like this: if you’re reading this, you probably weren’t dating in the eighties.

14. Wayne’s World (1992)

Can’t knock Wayne and Garth, as this was a beloved hit that still airs on cable for a reason. But in 1992, a full twenty two years ago, could you blame a date for rolling her eyes as her boyfriend suggested they sit through Wayne and Garth bowing to rock stars and screaming, “We’re not worthy”?

13. Sphere (1998)

No one knew what to really make of this Michael Crichton adaptation, a ludicrous science fiction thriller where, ultimately not much of consequence happens. It’s a narratively muddy, literally underwater affair with surprisingly few standout sequences, one of the many ill-advised films to ride Crichton’s Jurassic Park success to a starry green light. Nothing says "Valentine’s Day" like a movie where Dustin Hoffman leaves Sharon Stone and she actually tries to commit suicide in reaction.

12. Jumper (2008)

One of those big action films almost designed to spawn a franchise, this chase picture follows a young man who can teleport from one place to the next, only to find himself fighting off the influence of a powerful sect eager to recruit him into their crew. It’s a boys club, essentially, Hayden Christiansen fighting off Jamie Bell with Samuel L. Jackson in tow, and this sausage fest had almost nothing to offer dating couples.

11. Daredevil (2003)

The superhero boom had not yet fully begun when Ben Affleck tried his hand at playing the Man Without Fear, in a dark, violent Marvel adaptation that wasn’t serious enough for the fans, but too dark and ponderous for the non-reading comic fans. There’s a romantic element between Affleck and eventual wife Jennifer Garner as Elektra, but the heat they generated is almost entirely off-screen, to the point where their sex scene is actually omitted from the film’s Director’s Cut. At least Ben fared better on his Valentine’s Day than his buddy.

10. Gerry (2002)

Gus Van Sant’s stark, metaphysical road comedy is actually an amusing piece of outsider art, a purely cinematic take on the sort of abstraction you see on-stage. Matt Damon and Casey Affleck play two men lost in the desert who are both named Gerry and may be after the same thing. The dialogue is oblique, as is the setting and cast. It’s literally two dopes wandering around the desert, speaking in circles: surely there was a date tricked by Damon reuniting with Good Will Hunting director Van Sant into thinking this was a real deal sealer with their respective mate.

9. Confessions Of A Shopaholic (2009)

Many Valentine’s Day films rely strictly on stereotypical depictions of men as slow-burn murder machines armed to the teeth with firepower. But what do we do with a film like this, where poor Isla Fisher must demean herself as a woman who cannot part with her credit card? It’s a love affair, but one strictly between women and capitalism, and it’s gross that they tried to aim for the “female demographic” when this was released in 2009.

8. Highwaymen (2004)

Quietly, one of Jim Caviezel’s many starring vehicles was dumped into a couple hundred theaters ten years ago, giving lovers a chance to rejoice. Here, Caviezel works with The Hitcher helmer on this dopey road detective movie where the villain actually has a menacing robot hand. The scarce marketing campaign (accurately) reflected the film’s portrayal of women as slasher-film offal, and you just know there was one unsatisfied date unhappy with their significant others’ dubious choice that weekend.

7. The Wolfman (2010)

There’s some value to a horror film being the ideal material for a Valentine’s Day date. It brings you two together, makes you hold each other tight, and sometimes look into your eyes, trying to convince each other that the noise you heard had to just be a fluke and not a killer. The Wolfman, however, is not a scary movie, intent on redeeming Benicio del Toro’s growling Lawrence Talbot by making his lupine attributes heroic, attempting to maintain feeble franchise potential with his character. If you’re with a date seeing a movie on Valentine’s Day carrying an R-rating, the two of you would probably be demanding a couple of smashed heads as a result, but The Wolfman ultimately pulls it’s punches, coming across as safe oatmeal studio filmmaking.

6. The Temp (1993)

Who are the ad wizards who thought this mid-range erotic thriller would be ideal V-Day material? Timothy Hutton stars as a harried employee, and the slinky Lara Flynn Boyle is the temp working under him, interesting in blackmailing him, killing others, and casting an evil, home-wrecking smile. Well this is just romantic for no one.

5. My Favorite Martian (1999)

At the time of this film’s release, the show hadn’t aired in thirty-three years. Basically, you had to be around the age of forty to be the core audience to catch this dismal re-imagining of the popular fringe TV series. What part exactly of this story, regarding a crashed alien becoming indoctrinated into suburbia, screams “Great Date Night”?

4. Absolute Power (1997)

Clint Eastwood’s straightforward actioner begins with a bang, as a repulsive President (Gene Hackman) attempts to sexually assault a woman, then roughs her up and kills her, washing his hands of the corpse while ol’ Clint watches. The film’s views on women are typical of that of any other film in the era: seen but not heard. So when Eastwood’s enthusiastic daughter inquires about possibly helping in the case, it’s just more white noise for our hero to ignore.

3. Friday the 13th (2009)

Inexplicably, this installment ends up having tremendous success opening on the actual 14^th, sold-out crowds on dates sitting in the theater and cheering on the murder of a few TV-network hardbodies from all your favorite series. Unfortunately for them, numbers fell off sharply after Valentine’s Day at an unusual speed. People seemed to only be re-acquainted with Mr. Voorhees on a day that involves just a little bit of bumping and grinding.

2. A Good Day To Die Hard (2013)

Maybe someone can correct us, but it’s doubtful any couple would say, hey, watching Bruce Willis sleepwalk through the FIFTH installment of a franchise people were mocking twenty years ago is preferable to actually sitting and talking with my loved one, thanks.

1. The Silence of the Lambs (1991)

The big kahuna, and nothing comes close. The future Best Picture winner quite confidently showed itself off by actually moving its release to a Thursday SPECIFICALLY so it could come out on Valentine’s Day. This ain’t a movie for cuddling, and it almost seems like a practical joke to see it arrive on this date. Nevertheless, the film became a huge hit, and some even found a little eroticism within the relationship between Clarice and Hannibal. These people are TOTAL weirdos.

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