7 films inexplicably turned into board games

It's around this time of year that board games tend to get dusted off. There's nothing more traditional than an festive argument over who cheats at Monopoly, after all. You might think it'd be more fun to play something inspired by a movie, but, it turns out, that's not always the case. These seven movies-turned-games probably weren't the best ideas...

Alien

Objective: Don’t die horribly

There was actually a well respected (and remarkably rare) strategy game based on Aliens, that let you reenact battles from the movie. This is not that game. This is a quite frankly bizarre game where you have to guide the Nostromo astronauts to the centre of the board (The Narcissus) without being eaten by an Alien. Which is controlled also by you. So you can choose to move your own astronauts to safety, or to move your alien to eat everyone else. Because you all remember that bit where Ripley commands her own personal alien, right? Right? Bonus points for noticing none of the “home bases” are actually the Nostromo.

For ages 7 and up.

Dawn Of The Dead

Objective: Steal a gun from a sports shop and close the door.

Play as the humans, and your objective is to get guns from Edwin’s Sports Center before sealing the exits without being eaten. Play as the zombies, and your goal is to eat the humans. It all looks remarkably complicated but the rules are consistent with the film and so is the concept, unlike some other bizarre film tie ins. And this is one that has stood the test of time - despite being long out of print, the game has enough of a cult following that fans have made high quality scans available on the internet

Escape From New York

Objective: Rescue the president (escape optional)

You know what I think of when I watch a John Carpenter movie? “Man, I wish there were a board game where you can rescue Donald Pleasance by collecting clue cards.” Well, for once my prayers have been answered with this “exciting new family board game” “for ages 10 up”. You move around the board, befriending people by collecting cards and then playing some sort of top trumps game with them. If you win, you get to not die and do the whole thing again until someone tips the board over in a fit of rage and points out even Escape From L.A. is better than this terrible, terrible game.

Jaws

Objective: Fish a handbag out of a great white shark

Jawsisn’t exactly a kids film, but then again it’s not too much of a stretch to see why they made a Jawsgame. Except, I cannot understand how they made this particular board game, which is, of all things, a Buckarooknock off. You have to fish things out of the shark’s mouth, like handbags, someone’s foot, and a gun, without accidentally getting the shark to bite your hand off.

I actually had this as a kid, although the shark’s mouth would never close, so it was the board game equivalent of late-stage tetanus. Later released as “Sharky’s Dinner” after Jaws IV came out, which is about all that needs to be said, really.

Robocop

Objective: Watch the bit of Robocopwhere he arrests Ronny Cox.

Robocopwas just one of those premises that got marketing executives salivating out of their eyes until they realised an ultra violent sweary satire might not be the best thing to market to kids. Well, except for Robocop 3, the animated series, the new (admittedly quite good) 12A reboot and, lost amongst all that, this VCR board game “for ages 12 and up.” You watch the video (featuring “actual movie footage”), move around the board, and arrest Ronny Cox and Kurtwood Smith when appropriate. This would all be fine, except Robocopalready had a board game featured in the sodding film, Nukem(“Pakistan are threatening my border!”) and it sounded a lot better than this.

Still, could be worse. It at least sounds better than the follow up Robocop and the Ultra Police, based on the toy line that came out at the same time as the cartoon. No, not based on the actual cartoon, that would be too simple. Thanks for killing Robocop, marketing people.

The Shadow

Objective: Continue to block out the fact that they made a film of The Shadow.

A film so forgotten that it was once a Pointlessanswer for 'Ian McKellen films,' The Shadow is not the kind of film I would watch again, and certainly not one I’d play the board game of. Especially not when it’s yet another dreary card collection game. Collect the right cards while moving around the perfectly circular board, reach the end, and then and only then can you do battle by… rolling doubles. I take it back, I’d rather watch the film. Just.

Terminator 2

Objective: Build a Terminator and then not bother using him.

Okay, so I can understand before video games that board games were the tie-in of choice, but this was from 1991, and the board game is aimed entirely at children. For ages 7 and up, the aim of the game is to build a T-800 to battle the T-1000, except he never actually does, because you win by rolling John Connor’s face in the steel mill six times in a row, even though everyone is playing as both Sarah Connor and John Connor.

Despite being utterly terrible, it’s not as bad a cash in as the official Terminator 2 Bio-flesh Regenerator Playset (non toxic, not suitable for under 4s). Or Terminator: Salvation.